Steam

Pen to paper, thumb to keypad
Stream of consciousness
It’s been a while since I’ve done that
So long I’ve forgotten where to start.

No more rhymes,
No turn of a phrase
I’ve forgotten it all
I’ve lost my way.

Disconnected
Hand from arm, Head from heart
Watching through someone else’s eyes
Thinking somebody else’s thoughts.

Two steps behind
10 seconds delay
So hard to concentrate
“Sorry what did you say? “

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Dissociation

Why me?

Why now?

It feels strange to research something online and to be confident that I’ve found it- My condition or at least a part of it. Dissociative disorder ticks all the boxes.

I now know where I go when I disappear. When my memory fails and my eyes are blank, when my mind is overflowing and empty simultaneously. That is when you will find me tucked up in a safe house in my brain: Separated from all but the essentials, the ability to breathe and talk though not necessarily anything sensible, able to think somewhat but fractional compared to normal; like a offline laptop. Living without feeling. Watching without seeing.

It’s early days as I’ve spoken to the doctor and find myself on a rather long waiting list to see a psychologist to either diagnose me or find out what is wrong. C-PTSD & a dissociation disorder seem pretty likely on top of my already previously diagnosed recurrent depressive disorder.

I’ve had some pretty low lows the last couple of months and I’m hoping to be sorted asap, my family are waiting patiently and deserve the very best of me.

Game face

Depression is the worst. It sucks the pleasure, desire and colour from life. I’ve had depression so long I don’t know who I am without it. It makes me cross that through medication, counselling, support and family it still has me held prisoner. Chester Bennington is one example of having a good ‘Game face’ the mask that gets you through the day unnoticed. There is a video floating around of him with his family hours before his death looking happy. It’s so hard living with this, never knowing wether it’s going to be a ‘good day’ or a really hard one. It affects not only my life but my family and friends too.

Michael Rosen said it best in The sad book

Both of these pictures are of him being sad.

It’s the little things

I don’t think people understands just how much what they say hurts.  Try as I may I can’t stop being so affected by them. Here are a few of the things my family have said this week.

 But you spend half your life in bed. 

I’m not going to the supermarket with you cos you always have anxiety attacks and it’s embarrassing. (It’s only happened a few times out of the 1000 times we’ve been)

You can’t even cope doing a shop.

You’re  always tired. 

There’s a snippet.  

It’s ok I expect your house to be a mess, it never changes.

Biting the bullet

Get it! Working in the English department has rubbed off on me. 

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a new journal and I’ve decided to do things a little differently this time. A week or so ago my mum bought me a Leuchtturm1917 dot journal and some fineliners to cheer me up. After lots of searching in Pinterest I’ve decided on my first weekly spread. I’m not a very organised person and I’m a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to lists and journals but had to begin somewhere. 

I have a decent sized column for each day: a notes section, chores tracker, to do list, a sleep tracker and a box for next week. 

As it’s the first week ill see how it works and if need be next week I can try a different way. 

Another thing I’ve done is have a done list, a place where on a day I’ve achieved little I can add small things to the list to cheer myself up. 

I will be adding a bookshelf and a movie page, an excessive tracker and possibly a mood tracker somewhere.

I’ll keep you updated on how I find it.

Have a lovely week. 

Jo  xx